The Bedroom Sanctuary Principle
A mental framework for increasing trust and safety with all partners
Content warning: Mentions of sexual assault.
You’ve had a lovely evening with them. It’s been really fun, and you can feel your pulse racing. They ask if you want to come back to theirs for more drinks/snacks/a movie. You’d love to. Really, you would. But there’s been something you can’t put your finger on. Some small action, some microexpression that made you very uncomfortable. Are they really safe to go home with?
This is a problem I’m sure you’re familiar with, no matter your sex, gender identity, or sexuality. You would hope a prospective partner, or even a one-night stand would feel a duty of care towards you while you’re in their home and that they’d respect your boundaries. Hopefully, there’ll be discussions of consent and they’ll communicate throughout. That’s what it would be in an ideal world, anyway.
Communication has a bad rep. It’s often seen as ‘unsexy’. “We were made to do this. We know how it works”. I can say from experience and first-hand sources that nature hasn’t told people with that attitude to do it well. Discussion doesn’t need to be awkward. If you speak frankly, you’ll get a frank response. Many people are taken aback by pointed communication, but some of that is because it’s rare. It tends to be highly appreciated.
The Heart of the Principle
Due to experiences I and friends have had, I gradually developed a mental framework to simultaneously vet people and ensure them that their safety is assured. I start as I mean to go on: With completely open communication. I realise I am tall, broad, strong, and intimidating when I want to be, and I can’t even begin to imagine how terrifying it must be to go home with someone with twice your shoulder span and an extra foot on you. Making my views and philosophies clear indicates to them that their voice and their actions are powerful.
Don’t wait until you reach their place or they reach yours before you begin to talk about boundaries. If you think there might be a possibility of sex, it’s best to lay everything on the table so you both know the score. In Predictably Irrational, Dan Ariely discusses the way students’ responses to a questionnaire on sexual safety and ethics changes with their state of sexual arousal:
“Across the board, they revealed in their unaroused state that they themselves did not know what they were like one aroused. Prevention, protection, conservatism, and morality disappeared completely from the radar screen. They were simply unable to predict the degree to which passion would change them.”
If the rules of your room are all in your head, your aroused mind can make convenient little unethical tweaks that your rational mind can later justify or regret. If the rules are clearly laid out for both parties, then you and your partner can hold each other accountable.
If the rules are pushed once, that’s grounds for conversation. If they’re continually flouted or completely ignored; if they’re not interested in your wellbeing and just want to get their end off, they leave. I realise that I say this from a position of privilege with my aforementioned physical and personal characteristics. If I ask someone to leave, they tend to feel they have no choice.
First Timing
One of my hobbies in the past was to collect stories from people I dated about horrible encounters on dating apps, social media, and in real life. I’m not longer shocked or surprised when I hear about awful behaviour, especially from straight cisgender (usually) white men. I’ve heard from people I love about being choked, slapped, and verbally abused during their first time with a new partner. I’ve heard more accounts of ‘stealthing’ (removing a condom during sex) than I imagined. That’s some of the less worrying stuff these discussions have uncovered.
This scars people. The first night I with a past partner, they made it very in advance that they didn’t want to be choked, slapped, or called certain things, all because a recent encounter had done. I was amazed that somebody thought this was OK. I later found they enjoy all of these things and actually urged me to do it to them. That’s the important distinction. It happened because they wanted it to.
Before I meet anyone in a situation that could likely be our first sexual encounter, I lay out my principle. I state that by entering my room, they are not automatically consenting to sex. Even if they would like sex, they’re not consenting on anything in particular. They’re not locking themselves into an irreversible verbal contact.
The first time I have sex with a new partner, it might seem a little too tame to some people. It’s that way for a reason. Setting a baseline lets you check out that person’s sexual psychology. If they want something done to them, they can ask for it. If you want to introduce any other kinds of play, ask them. This often works out for the better. If you don’t force a dynamic, the roles emerge organically.
Speaking of roles, there are too many straight, cis male doms out there who are completely missing the point. Time and time again on reddit and facebook and various other forums, I have encountered the same type of individual, the “my partner won’t submit to me, how do I make them?” sorta guy. The answer is pretty simple — you can’t. The truth at the heart of any healthy sexual dynamic is that the sub is the one in control. They won’t let you dom them because you haven’t given them a reason to trust you.
Naked Networking
Part of disclosing the rules of the room must be disclosing sexual health status. If you have multiple partners, the general recommendation is once every 3 months. That may sound like a lot, and I can’t speak for everywhere, but if you live in London you have no excuse. There are loads of clinics in all boroughs, and there’s even a postal service if you don’t have time to visit a clinic.
Start by offering up the last time you visited a clinic, and what the results were. State also if you know of any other infections you have that aren’t picked up on standard tests. Then they’ll feel more open, and you’re more likely to get an honest answer. In the UK, infecting a partner after not disclosing your status of any STI can be illegal. In the US, this tends to only extend to HIV, but it differs by state.
If they are STI-free, great. Start with condoms. If you enjoy the sex and you and your partner are careful, it’s up to you what the next steps are. If they positive for anything, also great. Now you know, and if that’s a boundary for you, tell them respectfully. If you are into the other person enough, make precautions. Ask what they think is most safe, and what would make them most comfortable.
But again, we’re talking about communicating openly, making sure everyone’s safe and having fun. Many people will assume you’re asking this because you want unprotected sex. Make it clear you’re not. No protection is 100% effective. In that 2% chance (with condoms alone) that problems arise, it’s worth both of you knowing what you might be exposed to.
Ending On a High
Some parts of this article may seem super basic. It’s just human decency, surely? It should be expected. Yes. It should be expected. However, as you can see from my experience and it’s not always what first comes to mind for everyone.
Greater communication — truthful communication helps everyone in relationships be they one night stands or long term partners. Give it a go. See where being open and laying down boundaries before you enter the bedroom gets you.
